crysknife

2004-02-12T09:30:00.000-08:00

'Copping Out' My Left arse cheek!

i just realized that, on reading the posts on the ps web, it made sense more and more why we did it. Someone actually thought we were copping out. I think we actually wanted proper closure, and not just sing about it. I think maybe that person doesn't understand that yet. it's ok. If I got offended by every post that ever came...

on hindsight, we lost money in the band. We spent more than we gained, and some will never recover- airfares for one. But we did do it for fun. If we wanted the money, we'd have stayed together. we'd have chased that major deal that was once in our grasp.

I can't believe though, that this guy thought we didn't do it coz we loved it or for the passion.

I cried backstage and my voice faltered in the middle of 'plainsunset' because we were close to tears. I know sham cried, and nizam missed alot of notes too because he was weeping openly. I think more and more that we actually loved being in the band. after all, we did cry.

Grieving is a natural and healthy process. Now it's time to move on.

2004-02-05T08:48:00.000-08:00

We just did the last-ever plainsunset jam. It was a bittersweet thing to do, knowing it is to be your last ever time of musical effort with no pressure. It's different onstage; You try to do your best to give everyone a rush.

we played stuff we haven't done in years that we did when we first started out, old screeching weasel covers, stuff that we never thought of in years. we decided, 'it's the last time ever, why the heck not?!' naturally we were laughing the whole way.

ppl don't believe that we can still get along. that's too bad. maybe it's because they don't believe that we are mature enough to deal with our stuff face to face and clear it up asap. It's all true. if you don't believe it, watch for yourself on sat.

if you are coming on sat, stick around throughout the whole thing. It'll be the last time you see it. If you are fashionably late, you will miss out. If you step out for a ciggie, you will miss out. If your friend is late, leave him outside. I just want to make sure that you see this.

the very first thing you will hear that is 'live' from us will be the very last song that plainsunset ever wrote. It's me, going solo. I call it 'For the last time.'

nites.

2004-01-08T07:35:00.000-08:00

HARD TO BELIEVE!

Before I forget, and the whirl and rush of stuff gets to me, I gotta put down that my own celebrity sighting just went up a notch, and I'm actually quite tickled by it. Was at Borders when Dolph Lundgren (you remember him as HE-MAN from the motion picture movie 'Masters Of the Universe', the bad guy from Universal Soldier, Ivan Drago from Rocky 4, The Punisher...etc etc...). I was doing the Singaporean thing which is to downright ignore them. Singaporeans are very 'ngade', unless they are taiwanese boyband types,in which case if you are a teenage chick, hormones just take over, the bane of the female gender. all feminists may disagree, but they're in denial...

anyways, the guy was just in a plain white shirt, F4 hair,blonde and tall as heck, face a little craggier than I last remembered, but hey, who cares! It was obvious, and Wan Vegan will back me up on it too. I walked by to make sure, heard the voice and was like "Oh yeah, no doubts anymore...". There were all these people going 'Is that him? It is isn't it?" etc.....

Have to admit, on hindsight, am regretting not getting an autograph. Yes, I am man enough to admit it...the little streak of celeb sighting stuff is still in me. I think most kids at my time wanted to be like him or even BE him. I just thought he was cool in most of those movies...

2004-01-03T09:33:00.000-08:00

now that God has taken me to the ripe old age of 29, I am finally age-conscious. Not in the sense that I feel like I'm not supposed to be hanging out with the people I do, but that the things i do have a certain purpose. Oh, no, don't get me wrong. I have never ceased to believe that even when i screw up, God has a p[urpose for it, or that I was sitting around doing absolute heck-all my entire life, but I am conscious that by this time in my dad's life, he had me AND a newborn daughter. I can't even drive. Yen tells me not to compare myself, and that I have a different purpose. I suppose so.
thanks all, for surprising me with the cake yesterday! And no, for those who heard it on the radio, I have not screwed up my o levels a third time!

Am making my mind up to do my best, to try my best to learn self control, even in hard times, with God's strength. Then when I screw up, THAT'S when i'll rely on grace. I'll not sit around and wait for something to happen. I still stand by that. And to that question that I was once asked, I answer with another querstion,"If God asked us to do it, with the awareness that we'll eventually screw up, does that mean that we should not do it, then?Then it REALLY becomes an irony, a paradox of the faith we profess; then it's not about obedience, but about works. What say you?"

2003-12-14T10:01:00.000-08:00

THE SETTING SUN

Ok, in anticipation to a whirlwind of questions as to our demise, this is the answer to the most often heard one in the last 48hrs;

WHY?
first, we made up our minds awhile ago.
It's been a long time and we're growing older, learning to move on as individuals. We all want to do different kinds of music. I want to write different kinds of stuff.
And why not now? We're all still friends, enjoy each other's company. we just spent the evening talking 'bout old times in the Lavender S11. instead of dying a lingering, painful death,why not end on a high note? why not end in a happy time, as opposed to not even wanting to be in the same room with each other? So many bands have we seen that have gone out like that. I refuse to allow us to be one of them.
in our 9 years of existence, we have worked our butts off, released three fairly successful CDs,successfully toured New Zealand, Hong Kong, Shenzhen,done gigs in KL sweated with each other,made a splash in countries we have never been to,gritted our teeth as gigs get screwed up for us, lost sleep alongside each other,endured jeers from the ignorant, laughed together, laughed at each other, 'sliced' each other countless times, gone through NS, all around the same time, made a spectacle of ourselves, and had a whale of a time!

why not now? why not, while we have happy memories, of the thousands of faces we have seen as you laughed, sang along, pointed the finger, surfed, crushed each other in the pit, listened as we tried to give you and ourselves a good time for that half hour?

why not while we as a team still have 9 years of friendship, laughter for each other?rather than the selfish and self-serving stings and backstabbing of the petty?so many of our friends have ended that way. we choose not to finish as a casualty.

we choose to finish, while we still are the brotherhood of the sunset.

2003-11-04T22:30:00.000-08:00

am pretty tired of being made to look like the bad guy. I don't mind where there are hard decisions I have to make,like occasionally in ministry, but when it comes to other things, am bloody sick of it, really.
You have a knack of coming across as the nice guy, sweet and all, most friendly,everybody loves you. there are great qualities about you, i will never deny that,but there's so much more to you than you realize, or choose to. Accidentally found out today there are others who have suffered in silence. The only part you came out in the conversation was purely logistical. It turned into a vent session for the other guy...
i too cannot wait to close this chapter of my life, get some real closure, make peace and move on...then you're probably gonna say that I backstabbed you. It was all over the circle about how much of a prick I was, never listen to you at all, but when I actually asked you, you either gave me a vague answer, or no answer at all.
yes, you ARE over-sensitive, taking things personal when no reference to you was intended. Yes, you do prevent the rest of us from moving along, simply because when convenient, you choose the solo decision without allowing the group to function properly. No, it's NOT all about you! The rest of us have NOT said our piece because you never allowed us to. and to make it worse, it always looks and sounds like it's always our fault. guess what? on closer examination, i know it's not.

2003-10-31T08:36:00.000-08:00

freedom!
I am actually updating the blog now! I actually thpought of just letting the whole thing go, but so much for actually doing what you plan.

So much has happened that I can't even begin to tell you, but I suppose it's expected. whichever way it goes, it will just have to be one chunk of my life you will have to do without.

Now that I have my own mac, in my room, I can blog again. And there's just gonne have to be this big gap.

I am planning to do that indie band soon, as soon as I can find the time with the boys to tart practicing. I want to record the demo first before the gigs. I'll see how it goes. Maybe just one gig to announce that we are alive and around...

The tentative name that me and marcus came up with is When Heroes fail. I am excited!!!

2003-05-27T10:20:00.000-07:00

Got so much to do now, and not alot of time, but that's life. The day it gets easy, I'm probably dead.
Selwyn Hughes entry on crosswalk a few days back blew my mind. Go check out the one on the 22nd under devotionals, anc check Selwyn Hughes stuff out. The cover was cheesy as, but the words are what counts!
I am really happy with my amp now, even though the bass pot is broken, I can get that fixed to get more bottom end to my sound, but I have not even bothered to push it to half it's potential, and Jon Hems nearly went deaf in one ear. So as soon as the raodshow is over, I'll send it in. Hopefully will get it fixed for Sonic Fest.
Am not really looking forward to the pastor's conference thing tomorrow, but then who cares, not about how I feel. Training for me in spirit. Its good for us to have to do some things we don't want to once in awhile, makes us appreciate the things we love to do. Helps me to learn to die to myself a little and open up a little more.

2003-05-07T01:16:00.000-07:00

finally, I am a little more free. Missed a couple of nights of sleep in the process, but it was worth it.
I hear someone's mad at me for not responding to sms....I am not going to bring this onto the net. I think it is pointless. I will say it face to face....voyeurs can log off now...
I am trying to manage my time now; alot to do, and I have to go to OZ in a few weeks. To tell you the truth, I don't really want to go. I would rather stay here, because I am at peace with the world around me as a whole. I have no issues to be running away from, no escapist tendencies here, not to my knowledge anyways. I have always made it a point never to pretend. Enough of that in the world around me. I would rather just be jon chan, not some fellar in a movie going off to another western country to 'find himself'. I suppose Kevin Costner in Dances With Wolves was as escapist as they come.
I have an asian face, an asian body, and an asian sense of being, without the accents. That is a part of upbringing. My native/mother tongue IS english, so no, I am not pretending. My first words were in english. All the little ah bengs in my school thought I was putting on airs and speaking in decent english. isn't that how we always see the world, "everyone should be speaking chinese/ hokkien/dressing like me, no matter how bad I actually look!"
I wear jeans or shorts because I was born in the 1970s. Not in the 1870s. I wear stuff that is modern because I would look stupid wearing cultural clothes everyday, and if I did, everyone would probably think 'He's just looking for attention...'

Why all these questions?
I am putting thoughts down now to clear my mind and to check myself before entering into the fray of untangling a web of confusion.
To work! To work!
call a meeting soon! I am sick of waiting. It's time for a showdown!

2003-04-25T10:58:00.000-07:00

RELATIVE VALUES

I just remembered how it is the people see everything in relative. For instance, I know people who actually like Tom Jones and I can't stand that whole era and concept. Or the time I went to Big Day OUt and alot of people went to see the corporate rock whores I was against in the first place. afterwards everybody came out to me and said, "weren't they great!?"
Also how sometimes we tend to go for quick-fix and feelgood solutions as opposed to slow and painful but lasting and permanent solutions that truly are hollistic. My sis and dad say it best," if you place a single sausage on one side of Bix(my dog) and a million bucks on the other side of him, which will he choose?"

we always seem to pick the sausage as opposed to the million bucks which you can use to buy as many sausages. quick fix solutions...you know what I mean...

2003-04-24T07:43:00.000-07:00

RELATIVE VALUES

I just remembered how it is the people see everything in relative. For instance, I know people who actually like Tom Jones and I can't stand that whole era and concept. Or the time I went to Big Day OUt and alot of people went to see the corporate rock whores I was against in the first place. afterwards everybody came out to me and said, "weren't they great!?"
Also how sometimes we tend to go for quick-fix and feelgood solutions as opposed to slow and painful but lasting and permanent solutions that truly are hollistic. My sis and dad say it best," if you place a single sausage on one side of Bix(my dog) and a million bucks on the other side of him, which will he choose?"

we always seem to pick the sausage as opposed to the million bucks which you can use to buy as many sausages. quick fix solutions...you know what I mean...

2003-04-20T21:27:00.000-07:00

Not too much to do, except work.
My assessment is on next week, after tuesday, I will be a free man. For a few hours, than I got to help plan the roadshow...."touring touring...over the bounty main..." Feeling pirates of the carribean...
This week will be hellish. so much to do, including cleaning out my studio space and re-painting the walls white again.
I will have to pick out clothes I don't mind getting dirty.
After that I will look forward to practicing in the SE rooms with the band. I have realized that for me it is the music in most band practices. I am sufficiently happy to practice without being seen onstage. Therefore I know it is not a lack of attention or something.
Late last night I watched "A life Less Ordinary" for the first time, and I actually enjoyed it, even though local critics hated it(ignorant bunch of clowns). To my memory, it is one of the first movies that really seems to suit Cameron Diaz. All the other things I've seen her in seem to be forgettable. "Something About Mary" wasn't even meant to be serious after all... Yen, if you haven't watched it, I will bring it over soon as your stuff is finished! Beck did an excelllent job on the soundtrack!

Have been confronted recently with my own insecurities, rather, the cause of them. I then remembered that my earliest memories were of living at my grandma's, and my parents living somewhere else, because they couldn't afford to keep me(they were young working parents, it is not their fault). As soon as they could, that was when I was brought over, but a sense of deep rejection had already been sown, continued to plague me till later in life...

Maybe that's why my folks were doting on me when I was young, almost spoiling me, but not quite...

2003-04-18T22:28:00.000-07:00

I spoke to someone once about her personal beliefs in marriage. No it wasn't a proposal. I asked her what her sense of the sanctity of marriage was. This girl came from a divorced family and it would be interesting to see her views on such matters. Naturally, they were that the sanctity of marriage doesn't exist. I had to disagree.

Last night was my dad's birthday and we all went out for dinner. On the way up with my folks I also discovered that monday night coming is my folks thirtieth-year wedding anniversary. Many of the guests to the dinner were married as long, some longer, and one couple had celebrated their 40th year's anniversary last year.

So I think early divorces are not a question of true love, but of wrong choices( stubborness to good sense and better judgement is a human trait after all), as well as lack of a sense of responsibility and commitment. Spouse battery is a separate situation altogether. And yes, women do beat up their husbands too.

If you can't keep a promise that you make, what makes you think you're ready to get married? What makes you think you are mature?
Responsibility is the true difference between a child and an adult. Not spelling, not puberty. Responsibility and the ability to give equals maturity. And I have met a ton of adults, far from mature. Far from responsible("it's all about me" mentality).

Our old friend selfishness rears its ugly head.

2003-04-13T10:32:00.000-07:00

THE SPY
Have decided to just forget about people running away. I can't stand seeing people go down, and I know that I'm not running away from that sight myself, if anything, I have been accused of being confrontational. It's me, I always learned to deal with my problems head on, to be more aggressive than opposition. so I will learn to deal with it differently; none of them will listen to me anyways, so concentrate on the others.
I won't even begin to talk about what happened yesterday, I know Marcus is miserable. I understand and feel the same. I just can't trust myself to smile, so I will not. After all, if transparency is the way to go, I will not hold my feelings back or pretend that everything is ok. You're doing that better than everybody else, after all...

Maybe it's my upbringing; when the going gets tough....

Escapism....you are my enemy.

2003-04-10T03:43:00.000-07:00

Again, I emphasize, the german bloke is actually a nice guy, just that to have ANYONE for extended periods of time is a strain, because of lack of room to move...

Am again confronted with people running away from the realities of their own lives. Why can't they face up to their problems? Guilt? Lazy? Painful?
Am so flaming sick of having to turn back to this topic.
You always know yourself if you are running away, it's instinctive, and across the board. ready to hear lies that validate what YOU want to do. "As long as it's written down SOMEWHERE, be it the bhagavad gita, bible, quran, whatever bhuddists use, you'll go with it won't you?"

as long as it "feels right"...

How do you know when you are running away?

You know it's NOT the right thing to do,

You know there is a better way to do it

the other way is just 'too hard', or you 'don't feel like it'

you base your action on what you are 'comfortable' with

and as long as anyone brings it up, you will change the topic or 'buy them off'.

IN the meantime, my friend chooses to act like a dick hoping we will be pissed off and leave him alone.

TOO BAD.

I'm jumping into the fray if no-one stops me.

I want to storm the siege of 'politeness' and 'waiting' like the SAS, I want to not be polite anymore and be politically incorrect.

'Rescue Teams' have taken on new meaning for me.

No, I am not cool. Why?

Because I am feeling the burden of a sense of urgency. And I don't want to 'settle down and relax', I have made myself a promise that I would not float downstream. I still mean it.I made that promise 5 years ago, and no, it wasn't a 'phase' in my life.

I am serious still.

Am I too serious? That depends on how you look at it, but you already know that.

Should I mess with your mind? No.

I'll just speak the truth out of love.If it messes with your mind, maybe you need to start thinking and acting, you need to start walking
instead of sitting down.

"...Instead of resting your legs, you should be standing up,instead of showing your back, you should be showing your face. Why do you walk away?"-hot water music

2003-04-08T06:16:00.000-07:00

AT LAST! My sister's boyfriend has gone back to Germany. He was here all this while which limited my access to the computer. I don't have one in my room.
He was a very nice guy, a german nice guy, ja! But I am also glad that I don't have to tiptoe around the house because of an over-protected sister saying, "Kor, so noisy, an you turn it down"...or "He wants to sleep now(which means clear out)".
I'm BACK!!!THE REST OF YOU CAN SCHLEISCH DI!
Am envious, a certain someone got to see AVAIL live!!!! Dammit!

Have just gotten ideas about making a comic(my own) about punk culture, featuring a dysfunctional rabbit and a bunch of other characters living in a city in some place. I'm reading way too much Heavy Metal here...
Am planning to make the characters look amazingly like Pokemon characters, where I can finally introduce Rastamon, the pot-smoking, utterly confused and escapist pocket monster. Will be open to feedback and ideas, as soon as I can get someone to publish the strip. I'll bet that I could get sued by the producers of pokemon should it ever go big...in my dreams. I think that I'll base the characters on Pokemon, Teletubbies, as well as the handsome charcters from all those super incredible chinese comics like 'Hei Bao' and that comic which spawned the Aaron Kwok and Noodles charcter movie....Tien something or other. The concept of the comic would be for me to express how serious people in escapist mode take these things, a slap on a face saying "wake up! Don't sleep! Face life as it really is!"

Funny how Selegie kids dress exactly like these characters and also believe that they have inherited their 'powers'(punching people once and expecting them top go down, the scret to me winning fights when I was younger, more ferocious and of less intelligence. All you need is to be able to tahan the first one, because they seem to forget to follow-up, and that's where YOU come in).

Will end the strip with something that always makes these characters act cute...that is a must!

2003-03-30T07:36:00.000-08:00

Just came back from dinner with my parents and Yen and SWENSEN's! It was cool for me, because I got to eat my long-missed catfish as well as orange sherbet. I think Yen didn' t have quite as nice a time as I did...oh well...wish I'd know how to make it better.

I am buzzing with new ideas for SE Band as far as music goes, lots of chorus' parts in mind, reckon I better write them on my wall as I always do.
Stuff both for fast as well as mid-tempo songs and things like that.
need to send my SG in for servicing, the intonation's slightly off, and my 5150 may need to be serviced as well. It's about time anyways...
I think I'll send all my gear in at the same time, including my Ibanez, so that it'll all be ready to go. I won't be playing for SE or PS for a little while yet anyways, still got time to get it repaired before may(i need my gear then, for the SE roadshow if that goes off).

Got along day as well as a tutorial tomorrow. Hope that goes well. Then it's to do the CD cover for the SE Band CD. I think we will call it "Grateful" after all.
If you have to get me, go ahead, but meeting me in the next few days might be a problem.

2003-03-28T23:38:00.000-08:00

Far be it from me to downplay what's been going on about the war in Iraq, about the killer flu in our own shores, but there's only so much you can do, besides pray. I think practicality has to be the word for the day.How much can you do, what can you say? when it's time to go, it's time to go, no two ways about it.
Having said that, my sympathy goes to the families of those affected by both.

I ran into a cabbie yesterday, a malay/muslim cabbie who denounced the war in Iraq as having NOTHING to do with islam, and also basically said that OBL is a crock of shit.It's refreshing to hear someone on that side seem to see the same view as you do, even though you are on the outside looking in.

I also heard from someone about how a specialist in the Iraqi culture said on TV that Saddam was not a muslim, never was and he wondered why muslims are outraged about him coming under attack. I also think therefore that the indo's could be very badly misled. When you are living in a country where only a fourth of the population have actual jobs, boredom is like dry grass, catching fire at the tiniest spark. All over the world, psychologists have noted that riots and stuff like that abound from countries with low job vacancies as well as a few extreme ideas. this was something noted early in the 80s, and told to me by(of all people) an indonesian when I was in Jogjakarta in 93.
He himself told me that the young men of Indo are largely bored and that they will latch on to the slightest unusual idea.How do you explain that to a bunch of guys in masks and Osama/Che Guevera T-shirts without getting mauled?

Just watched Forrest Gump on HBO. Think if I ever start another emo band, it'll be called "Jenny and Me". The scene where he buries her at the foot of their tree gets me every time.

2003-03-27T09:33:00.000-08:00

THIS FORM OF MARTYRSHIP WENT TO MARKET

I saw your blog yesterday.

I felt hurt. I couldn't believe you felt that way.

Being friends for many years and going through crap after a long time means nothing to you.Why say I that?
You obviously don't trust me, nor the rest of us who are concerned, even after we make it clear that your opinion matters.
If you did, you'd tell us the truth instead of relying on someone else to deliver bad news.
Instead you avoid us, as if we have been the ones causing your distress. Even if we had, why didn't you tell us?
I, for one believe in apologies. I, for one believe in learning to accept responsibility.I, for one, believe in acknowledging the one who created me.
I BELIEVE IN THINGS NOT POLITICALLY CORRECT IN THE EYES OF THOSE AROUND ME.
Was that so hard for me to say?
I can see your history repeating itself; in your previous other circle, in another time, you confided in us and said, "I will deliver my ultimatium soon".
You never did.
You were only freed because they made their own decision not to continue.
You never learnt how to say 'no' and we tolerated it, thinking you would learn to someday.
You tell everyone that you've matured. You tell everyone that you are grown-up now.
You still continue being led by the wind like a feather blown by a breeze, until it blows you into pieces like an up-turned umbrella.
We would have supported you whichever way you would choose, even if it meant that we would not work together.
I would preserve a friendship and lose a working relationship.I believe the others would, too.
You somehow don't believe us, I think.
I think that in avoiding us, you think you will be happy.
I think you believe that if you don't bring it up, and nothing else brings it up, the problem will disappear like something David Blane will do, that the issue will do a Houdini.
*POOF*.
Guess what?
Still there.
I think that you believe you have passed a level where your maturity has surpassed us. That you 'can handle it' now, and that if you leave it alone, really leave it alone, you will be happy for the rest of your life.
You think us to be like the tyrants that only denied everyone else, like Napoleon the pig, like Squealer,his cohort, while you continue like a martyr, a heroic horse named Boxer, that you are as wise as a Donkey named Benjamin, but that you remain silent.
I tell you, you are deceived. But you will never believe me, because you don't want to. You will never know this because I cannot tell you, you are avoiding me and those who really want to help.

You will continue this way, unhappy the rest of your life because you never learned responsibility and cleaning up a mess left half done.

You never learned to say 'no'.

Have a good life ahead. I hope it works out.

2003-03-27T09:32:00.000-08:00

THIS FORM OF MARTYRSHIP WENT TO MARKET
I saw your blog yesterday.
I felt hurt. I couldn't believe you felt that way.
Being friends for many years and going through crap after a long time means nothing to you.Why say I that?
You obviously don't trust me, nor the rest of us who are concerned, even after we make it clear that your opinion matters.
If you did, you'd tell us the truth instead of relying on someone else to deliver bad news.
Instead you avoid us, as if we have been the ones causing your distress. Even if we had, why didn't you tell us?
I, for one believe in apologies. I, for one believe in learning to accept responsibility.I, for one, believe in acknowledging the one who created me.
I BELIEVE IN THINGS NOT POLITICALLY CORRECT IN THE EYES OF THOSE AROUND ME.
Was that so hard for me to say?
I can see your history repeating itself; in your previous other circle, in another time, you confided in us and said, "I will deliver my ultimatium soon".
You never did.
You were only freed because they made their own decision not to continue.
You never learnt how to say 'no' and we tolerated it, thinking you would learn to someday.
You tell everyone that you've matured. You tell everyone that you are grown-up now.
You still continue being led by the wind like a feather blown by a breeze, until it blows you into pieces like an up-turned umbrella.
We would have supported you whichever way you would choose, even if it meant that we would not work together.
I would preserve a friendship and lose a working relationship.I believe the others would, too.
You somehow don't believe us, I think.
I think that in avoiding us, you think you will be happy.
I think you believe that if you don't bring it up, and nothing else brings it up, the problem will disappear like something David Blane will do, that the issue will do a Houdini.
*POOF*.
Guess what?
Still there.
I think that you believe you have passed a level where your maturity has surpassed us. That you 'can handle it' now, and that if you leave it alone, really leave it alone, you will be happy for the rest of your life.
You think us to be like the tyrants that only denied everyone else, like Napoleon the pig, like Squealer,his cohort, while you continue like a martyr, a heroic horse named Boxer, that you are as wise as a Donkey named Benjamin, but that you remain silent.
I tell you, you are deceived. But you will never believe me, because you don't want to. You will never know this because I cannot tell you, you are avoiding me and those who really want to help.
You will continue this way, unhappy the rest of your life because you never learned responsibility and cleaning up a mess left half done.
You never learned to say 'no'.
Have a good life ahead. I hope it works out.

2003-03-16T07:54:00.000-08:00

HARDCORE ISN'T COOL ANYMORE

the end of another 'running around' day.
Just heard the basic tracks from the nearly complete set of plainsunset songs, sans the ones we haven't done yet, which should be about another 4 or 5 tracks. I like the sound of it, except that I felt the guitars lacked a little bit of bottom end, but Leonard assures me he can fix that. Nizam's bassline is so different from what we're(sham and me) are playing that I think we won't run into a Metallica"...And Justice for All" type situation(the bass tracks disappeared on the entire album!). So I am actually quite excited by the progress of the CD. aiming for about 14-15 tracks, minus the fun bits.
I realized that my suggestion to add a hardcore-crew style BVs on one of the tracks stemmed from a deliberate sense of 'going against the grain' as far as musical fashions went. Hardcore isn't cool anymore, so that's exactly what I'll do, went my chain of thought. But I think that the rest actually liked the feel, plus it does actually sound different. Sham and Nizam had no objections anyway, and Ronny wasn't there. Yoohoo,where are you?

today we jammed sans Ronny. Aaron was nice enough to stand-in.

which track is it with the HC crew vocs?
buy it when it comes out and find out for yourself.

2003-03-14T07:47:00.000-08:00

came home and heard someone again remark how cramped my place is. 'the exact words 'X' said were, "this house is getting too cramped, I think I can't stay here or I'll go crazy". I think not, 'X' came from a place where the population density is even higher. My verdict?
X just wants to verbalize and rationalize an excuse not to stay in the country and be accountable to ANYONE!!!!
Am making myself more upset by this line of thinking. I better stop.

2003-03-07T20:52:00.000-08:00

HAVE RESOLVED TO BE THE BAD GUY

just got off lunch with my mom. Again finding out about the whole family, because I never have time to sit down and talk to them. First meal I had with my mum this whole week. She again talked about my grandma. My lone surviving grandparent is not doing well. She's in alot of pain at the moment because of the cancer in her leg bones, and she has made up her mind to drop morphine and stick to something else.
If she goes, this will be a sad day for me, this is the grandma I love the most.At least she has a relationship going with God.
Again about the whole grace and truth thing, how do you cope?
Should I have to sit aside and watch my friends or ppl I worry about slowly slip back into a lifestyle or relationship that truly does hurt God and distract us from Him? Or should I be 'impolite' and invade their 'boundaries' and speak the truth, hoping that they'll listen?Remember the truth is frequently ugly. To shelter them and coddle them or to tell them the truth hoping that they'll wake up? I am sick of the 'I need my time off' sort of thinking, 'I just want to chill out', 'I want to take a break'...

HOW DO YOU 'TAKE A BREAK' FROM GOD??
HE NEVER 'TAKES A BREAK' FROM YOU!?!?!?!?!

We go on hiatus from this kind of relationship, and doing God things, letting them give way to 'our' things which we think we deserve(another justification), and truly basically tell God to buck out of our lives. Then we all turn around when something bad happens and say "God, where were You? Where were You when I needed You around?"
I AM SO SICK OF HEARING THAT AND WATCHING PPL ROT!!!!

2003-03-06T09:11:00.000-08:00

MEASUREMENTS

The funniest thing happened tonite, totally made my day. It's a joke that only guitar players may be able to understand, but I'll try...it's totally true and not a joke, just that we cracked up!

X was siting on the bus with me tonite. Also a bunch of others, and after the SE meeting, we went off to chill for a little while. All of us were carrying our guitars, all wierd and wonderful in nature, some you don't see often.
X was discussing guitar measurements with Y, and then X asked all of us if any of us had a ruler. None of us are boyscouts in that way, so naturally all said 'no'. X looked a little disappointed and stared at Y and his guitar in it's case. He then earnestly remarked, " I just wanted to measure the length of his nut."
it took a split second before it sank in to him, what he had just said and by then, for those of us who got it in an instant, we were roaring at the back of the bus, tears streaming down our cheeks.

It made my night, lah!

food for thought;
Karl Marx said(or indicated) that religion was the drug of the masses, indicating a form of untruth and distraction from the reality of the world.

I think that now, the self has become the distraction, and that God is the reality, but we choose to deny His existence, for fear of having to give up doing what is wrong and enjoyable. The world distracts us from the CREATOR of reality.

had a long day. nites.

2003-03-04T05:19:00.000-08:00

I am so slack with this, maybe nebause I hardly ever got time now.
Recording left-right-centre and school to boot. So much I plan to do! ARRGGHHH! How to finish?
was confronted today with the topic of distraction. Not so much for myself, although QT could always use polishing.
why is it that we allow ourselves to be distracted with the mundane, the useless and the needless?

why do we rush into things the second they become desirable in the least? Why do we hide feelings of guilt behind reason? For eg, why do we always 'rationalize' what we choose to do, or re-write in our hearts, our core beliefs in order to accomodate ourselves and selfishness?
Have realised that the majority of the time, if we rationalize, it means we are possibly already convicted by the truth and then guilt is already yelling at us like a discman on loud volume, audible to ourselves, ans slightly audible to those around us. Then we start to say "It's for a good reason."
If it takes effort to find and number the good reasons for doing something, then we're kidding ourselves.
Justification can be a sign of covering guilt.

enough of that. I am saddened enough already. so many people around me justifying themselves and avoiding the issue.

If I ask you a question, or you come to me with a topic, please follow-through all the way.
If you say "you're invading my space," am I therefore hitting a sore topic? Are you feeling guilty? Are we making something to be nobler than it is?

I pose you a riddle; how do you be truthful, and avoid personally uncomfortable topics at the same time?
Grace or 'politeness' VS the truth? where do you put your money on?

2003-02-21T00:05:00.000-08:00

HOW TO GET ON TV
was on the bus coming back into the office from school. Already, I was still tired from yesterday's painting spree in the store. The colors are as loud as they come, but then again, the typical spartan design look is not meant to be, so that's ok. Instead, we went back to the DIY basics, and the whole idea of the store is to not look posh. Even I won't be able to take it if it looked like one of those places down at Far East, wouldn't want to stay there or hang out, I'd be too afriad I'd break something.

Got home exhausted last nite and woke up a wee bit later today, at about 10, which was glorious, but somehow not enough. I'm probably grumpier than usual.

Confronted by comperes doing the usual food crtitc thing on bus TV. Have analysed that it is designed not for the hungry, or the curious, but the star struck.
All you need to do, if you are not good-looking enough, is to
a) look as if you have nothing but fun
b) look at everything with your eyes very wide open *bak jiu kim kim*.
c) twist your voice so that you can reach one or two octaves in a single sentence repeatedly
d) always look as if you have been interrupted having fun in one way or another( translation; act cute)
e) when you put something in your mouth, like a spoonful of soup, even if it tastes like crap, smile and roll your eyes as if you are receiving inner healing from deep emotional wounds, allow the joy to spread on your face
d) do the two-fingered 'peace' sign alot.
e) whatever English you speak must have a Brit or American accent, even if it's only two words at a time, and even if you grew up in Toa Payoh to peranakan parents
f) do the peace sign some more
g) do it yet again
h) guess what? do it even more!

Having completed all of the above, you could be on your way to stardom, now to get some mediacorp producers to notice you.

I'm waiting for monday, when I can stay home in the day. I need sleep.

2003-02-19T00:09:00.000-08:00

SGT. MAJOR MIKE HAS A MULLET!

we just got back yesterday from KL. It was quite cool, tried out all the gear we were supposed to, including some Randall Combos and stuff like that. I don't quite like the WARHEAD combo as much as the RH100. The Warhead is loud and the onboard crunch is pretty mice if I was still doing strife stuff, but I suppose the amp was desgined for a different crowd. Glenn got the shot of me with the dimebag guitar, with the guy's signature. It really was dimebag's signature. The truth was that while I am not as big a pantera fan as I was when I was 18, I suppose I do wanna go out and look for the old VULGAR DISPLAY OF POWER album, with the contraversial cover.
But, highlight of the trip, FOOD!
2 rounds of fish and mutton soup at Nathan's, wish it was more, but I didn't want to spend too much, am regretting it now!
Then, Petaling St Beef noodles, as well as VCD's. Bought Lethal Weapon 4 and SEVEN SAMURAI, I always like older movies, which is an advantage for VCD,s they are harder to find, but gems in my list of movies that I like. If anyone knows where to find GOODFELLAS, that's different, one of my all-time faves after all, and considered a classic!
Chow Kit, the final destination for the trip, which was good, better than I expected. I should have bargained more for one of the jackets, but that's ok. Next time I will go for the thicker ones, the old high-school rock n roll ones that jocks used to wear, then the Huntingtons did later, about RM50 before bargaining, but not a bad deal at all.
was SOOO stoned yesterday, I was actually delirious. Jon Hems and me got stuck at woodlands for 45 mins because a couple on our coach got detained for suspicious substances, and their friend insisted on making the bus wait. Things like this will usually take hours and hours if they detain you for eomthing like this, and their friend was perfectly willing to make the entire bus wait that long!!!!HABIS!
The bus driver freaked out and basically kicked her and her luggage off the bus. They could have come in via train instead, but somehow...
Do I fel that the couple were guilty? No, but it's not my place to tell the authorities what to think.I think they were just blur about their medications and it looked dodgy. I know I saw a small bag opened up with some stuff in it, but it could be talcum powder or hydrated glucose.
Encik Mike Raj and the rest og the FGA gang were nice to see again, and it would be good if I could come down to tour with SE in june, but I guess it's not for me this year. =(
soundtrack for the day; &serenading, by you-know-who.

2003-02-10T00:42:00.000-08:00

PARTY PEOPLE IN THE HOUSE GO HOME

I've been busy. So much to do, but all exciting. Sat was one of the funniest plainsunset gig's ever, we were all SO offensive and whatnot!

I looked over at the rave section for a few minutes and saw all these young NUS chicks squirming in hotpants and bikini tops, was promptly turned off by their "I-wanna-party-ness" and made my way to a quiet band tent. Am glad that if nothing else, at least the band had time to have fun. I hope the girls were truly having fun, and not faking it. with social politics nowadays, you never know.
but why is it that in NUS it seems as if many of the kids are all into the party thing? Even Tammy used to tell me about the wild nights that go on there, and the legendary Eusoff Hall and all that....sorry, but maybe I'm getting too old for that sort of thing.I'm seeing both the depressing-ness about it, all these lost people looking for a party to fill in the gap in their lives, which accounts for why every time I go to **** I get a little depressed, and can only go a few times a year. I can't handle it, all that broken-ness. the ones on Sentosa were loving the attention and I knew that because there were like a handful of ppl at the time. definitely not band types those chicks were, and that's cool. But I seen and heard about so many girls who flaunt for man attention(they tell me about it themselves, so crusading feminists can take a hike at this comment), then hope for it because they lack love or affection in their lives. Some guys just want the sex and so much mistreating is going on. Guys often get sole-ly blamed for bad relationships, because it's easier for anyone else to see a male as the baddie. Movies and chick magazines have made sure of that. Girls find it easier to get sympathy, and many milk that for all it's worth. But at the end of the day, ALL sides are wrong.
Accounts for why pre-marital sex and early divorce is on the rise. Can the guys be trusted?
I was at that stage and I didn't trust myself then....
I remember my drunk days with some trepidation, some caution and tell myself, "it's over now".I guess I'm not interested anymore.
*party people in the house go home*

2003-02-04T01:57:00.000-08:00

Neccesity of Tradition
relatively hectic weekend of running around, and the recording to boot, which has been a little tiring, indeed, am not feeling well already.
Now there seems to be alot on my plate, but I guess I was meant to do all this. I hated bumming around except when I could watch TV all day, and I know my folks hated that. I suppose this is a good thing. Things seems to me to be ok, my ang paus were not particularly impressive, but I never expected them to be.
The challenge is to eventually do away with ang paus completely. Then see whether family is really as important to you as you claim during CNY. I know alot of parents will claim that it's not neccesary, but there are so many pretensions nowadays...even from parents, the magic word 'face', scary as always. My own folks are quite casual, preferring praticality over custom and showiness.
The fun part for me, as always, was the food. But suprisingly, my relatives made an effort to get together and bond. This is the first year without my grandma, so I expected alot of busy faces and quick meetings, but they pulled out an old hymn book and sat together at the piano. We almost didn't leave because my dad really got into it. tHat was actually cool...

2003-01-28T01:46:00.000-08:00

TAINTED EXPERIMENTS

There's been so much going on, I dun even know where to begin. I suppose I can slowly add things on over the next few days.
Firstly, there are so many rumours going around that it's not funny anymore. Not about me, but gossip and negative talk has been causing alot of walls to be raised as well as divisions. It all seems to be coming from one person. The problem is whether to confront or ignore. Very hard to do the latter, especially for me. I have always been known as a confrontative person, and Yen always cautions me to be nice.

I actually had murmurs of dissatisfaction from decisions I had to make, but I suppose that it can't be helped. Not every decision can be a pleasant one.
I actually felt upset because it had nothing to do wityh this person. Screw feminism!!!!politically incorrect thing to sy, but too bad. I have never met a feminist without some sort of insecurity or other, or a specific grudge. Grudge feminism is not true feminism. Just like a tainted experiment is no experiment at all.

Now it seems that I'm getting friends hurt around me, and my defensive side is rising, not for myself, but I worry for others. I thin I'll have to have a thrash out before anything. I definitely am trying not to make it a big issue, but it's pretty hard to ignore when there are walls rising up and there are pockets of divisions. I suppose it's a minority, but when will that rise into a big thing? Will it be too late then?

2003-01-24T19:31:00.000-08:00

7 AT ONE BLOW

finished the main guitarparts for myself for the recording, which was way cool! It's cheaper to practice beforehand and just get into the studios to whack fast fast. That way you get everything done and the studio time doesn't eat in.
10 guitar tracks finished. One left and some layering-in to go. PLus I have an idea for a backwards intro like something out of twin peaks, very spacey sounding, alot like bjork. Mostly ebow work.abit of tremollo.

Managed to coax a pretty nice guitar tone out of a Laney head the other night, and Leonard just boosted the low end sound by pluggin in a Mesa cab.Even he was surprised at the tone, amran and satish were quite interested in it too.Got my Hot Water Music guitar sound!!!!!!!

Had a bad day yesterday though. argued with Merlie. I felt bad that I actually yelled at her. Maybe my patience as a whole has been wearing thin. I find myself a little more impatient nowadays. Could be due to mounting stress, but still.For me to yell at someone like that is not funny. How did I do that? I apologized of course, but still...

2003-01-21T19:37:00.000-08:00

AGAINST THE GRAIN

For some reason, my inner ear is still doing the wobbly. I am walking a little bit off; quite lightheaded. Now, it is not so bad. last night, was a little unnerving.Even sitting onthe couch, the room was spinning a little. Inner-ear infections suck!

There is a guy on the forum putting out long and slightly cheesy emails about salvation and repentence. I suppose it annoys me because again I've met one of those from a long time ago who only talk about their salvation, without actually living it or actually checking whether there are results, and thus knowing whether to follow up.*I'm going to do my bit as long as I don't have to follow up on the work*. So much to it that I am surprised that nowadays churches never seem to talk about it properly. They never talk about the fact that if a man hears and rejects, he is worse off than if he had never heard! So that would mean that little schizophrenic christians go around 'doing good', without even really bothering to know the consequences of failing. Just 'anyhow whack'! It's funny, but the realization that christians need God more than anyone else seems to pervade my consciousness.

Am fully sick of people who talk and talk but do crap by their convictions. Have made my resolution that my own group of ppl will be along the lines of the other way around; instead of talking, just be secret do-ers, and question their own motivations as well as considerations for impact. No fanfare, no prior notice. Old fashioned 'street witnessing' could possibly be doing more harm than good. Enough. Will speak no further on this. Just making myself more annoyed.

Recording is on tomorrow, and I am looking forward to that. Have resolved to record all my 'dirty' parts first and then bring the 5150 for the clean parts. It's just that the 5150 has the natural drive part in clean guitar that I like. Dry sounding, yet slightly fuzzy where high-end and bridge pickups are concerned.

Why is it that everywhere I turn, I see people just trying to find their own way of staving off themselves, trying to find their own identities and as a result, are less true to themselves than they claim to be? I see the guys in the scene who openly criticize what they do not understand, so many criticize for no apprent reason than it is supposed to be 'punk rock' to do so, claiming to be against the grain, but following others by the nose? Criticizing people who want to help them, without any strings. Then going around hedonistically following their own whims and fancies. When the question of responsibility is brought up, they say "dun tell me what to do!".
Punk rock and rebellion has become their excuse to run away from their responsibilities. Against the grain.
Anarchy has become their focus, their excuse letter for not attending school, their explanation for lack of motivation. I would ask them then, that if anarchy is their focus, then family have no say, parents count for nothing, responsibility to your girlfriend is obsolete.

In the same vein, in the future, when your daughter gets gang-raped by a bunch of anarchists who want to go against the grain, you shouldn't call the cops. The cops are the tools of authority.

2003-01-21T01:44:00.000-08:00

soundtrack in my head ; Catatonia- Mulder and Sculley

got so much to do but am glad that it's slowly winding it's way out. There's so much to do, but I am actually seeing it slowly unravel and I know WHOSE hand is behind it. Thank you!
got to school today and rediscovered how much time I got before the exhibition comes around, just next week. I am slowly strangling on a thread of activities that lead themselves one to another! but I am calm, somewhat! There's these guys on the forum that have been talking about PS. I actually learned to say, "good for you, your opinion is your right." They dun believe me. OK.
Dun you hate it when people call you a liar? updates later. have to do more stuff, and later, after band practice, home to 2 episodes of Star Trek; Voyager! Ogling 7 0f 9 is pretty easy to do, strange for me, as I dun like blondes, but I've always thought a person's prettiest or handsomest feature is the eyes. Not the lips or whatever...
had a bad night, hardly any sleep. somehow it didn't happen, always somewhere in=between, that semi-lucid world. the wierd dream I had was that I was a sniper with an M1 Garand, trying to shoot an important POW, from my end, captured by the enemy. I had to kill him before the enemy had time to interrogate him.wierd. Especially after he turned into Helen Hunt!!!!just b4 I squeezed the trigger!

2003-01-20T09:35:00.000-08:00

So much to do and so little time. The 'work-in-progress' exhibition is next week and I have to re-work my stuff for it. Haven't planned it out properly and I dun have much time. will have to work at home this weekend. so much for a relaxing weekend!
I figure that I'll have to churn out a large amount of work this week and pick the best of what I have to hand-up by mon! the only way out. hope I'll have time. :(

just came back from a movie with Dad and Yen. Went to see 'HERO'. Pretty awe-inspiring! much better than crouching tiger, way more arty-farty, but it definitely gave me ideas for the story that I want to write. At least I could visualize it more than before.instead of just knives, I suppose I can include swords into it. Just not so macho, more straight-forward.Like my dad said, the critic who did the write up on HERO is an idiot. How he could criticize something like that is pretty beyond me. I suppose he expected another Wong Fei Hung, unstead of something serious. I can't belive that audiences actually laughed at other screenings! I suppose these were expecting another wong fei hung as well!

Jet Li did well, as did the rest of the cast, but Zhang Yimou has outdone himself. I was actually sympathetic to Qing Shi Huang after he said "My greatest enemy is the only one who has understood me!" that's gotta suck!
After that, it was turtle soup at Eminent Plaza. Yen's first time there and she liked it.She is also a turtle soup fan, but at least we've found a place with a decent priced one, not too steep. Am never going back to the chinatown one! That old lady's stuff is WAY overpriced!
had a nice evening. Sleepy-bye now.

Got to get up early tomorrow.

Tony Leung gave me the idea to grow my beard out yet again. It takes about 10 days to get it to the right length. Yen's not gonna be happy.
My face!!!!

2003-01-16T23:47:00.000-08:00

It's been a few days and I am trying to recover. Am still sick, this time with a suspected inner ear infection. That comes from the flu', an add-on that rarely happens to me. a days ago, the cab driver taking me to the REAL place from Henderson office was driving very jerky, and in circles, so I felt carsick, but even AFTER I got off the cab, I was pale. Gordon was shocked to see my complexion. On the way home that night (the last time I left the house), the nausea struck again, so I actually got off the bus and Yen ran to get me water and sour 'kana' which helps me feel better during motion sickness. It's funny; on a plane I'm fine. At sea with 9 foot waves, EVERYBODY else was doing the merlion, while I ate nasi lemak in a storm. But put me in a car, and off I go! Last nite was spent stoning on the couch. didn't want to stand up in case I sprayed! I actually put an empty plastic container next to me in case of emergency!

How does that happen you may ask?
Your inner ear is that part past your regular ear that leads to this chamber inside your head. You've seen liquid-filled compass'? There is a compartment in your head that's much like that, which helps you determine your sense of direction as well as your ground-ing; how do you tell if you're hanging upside down? You feel it going off, not just from the visual thing about everything looking topsy-turvy, but this little pit in your head says so. while I am only a little light headed, the jar of liquid inside my head is doing the ketchup('kacau'/'kechot') dance.

Have to miss first nite of the retreat! Dang!

Will I stay home,
a)bored out of my mind, and watch Star Trek, or pull out my 'Godfather' LD. All 3 movies back-to-back/ in chronological order/ director's cut/ footage left out of the original screened version!

Or
b) lie down and try not to think of what's happening on Sentosa!

Just heard about problems between a friend of mine and some girls. He wants to sit-down and thrash it out. They want to keep it quiet and avoid the issue(polite term for 'run away').
With incidents like that, whenever a girl tells me that ALL girls tend to be more mature than guys, can't help but laugh in their faces. How many times have I run into girls who tell me the same thing and actually keep quiet, letting the issue boil over instead of talking it out like mature people would.
'What manner of people would we be, if we had not our reason?' Issues are bound for repetition until we learn to stop acting like kids and grow up. We will never learn to deal with our issues until we sit down and learn to face them for the problems that they are. Instead of running away, and taking 'time outs' which are merely self delusion that there ARE no problems.
Jerome, if you are reading this, my respect for you has just grown after what you shared with me. You restore my faith in our friends! That's why God said to you He's gonna help you deal with the problem; because you won't run away and sweep it under the carpet.
If you got something to say, say it. If something needs to be dealt with by a little talking to, better you do it now, while the problem can be dealt with, than later when it's too big to talk about. Stitch in time saves nine and all that.
If not, easy for anyone to think "Grow up! You, and the horse you rode in on!"

2003-01-12T08:40:00.000-08:00

Had a sleep-in day today again. The medication has made me feel like a beached whale, just really *bleah*. with the stuff I'm on, it's funny; decoldine(flu pills) and cough syrup as well as some stuff I have never had before in my life, it's like a mishmash of sedatives. I quite literally sit there staring into space.
stayed in and relaxed. napped a little too long in the afternoon, but my folks are insisting that I sleep as much as possible at this stage. I gotta go in to the doctor on momnay morning for a quick check and to collect more prescriptions. I'm wondering why they don't just give me an inhaler, or one of those mini tanks with the face mask that I see in my athsmatic cousins' place. My dad says it's for chronic athsmatics only. Which is fine, I don't hink I have that, but my family are treating me as if I AM chronic, which is kind of funny as well. I appreciate the concern.

My wheeze/rattling when I breathe is down alot, but still, sometimes it doesn't feel natural to breathe, seems as if I have to pump myself hard in order to make my lungs work. What an annoyance. I actually didn't want to take the sleepy pilss the first night. My breathing was so labored that I imagined if I fell asleep, I would forget to breathe and suffocate.

The stuff I'm taking is such a strong mix that I only needed a few seconds to fall asleep, and curled in a very uncomfortable position at that. My body itself woke me up minutes later because with my legs curled in the position they were, my circulation stopped in my legs and the brain gave a quick jolt which woke me up. SO wierd!
am waiting for medication to take effect, which shouldn't be long. Nites folks.

soundtrack of the day:Small Victories, Faith No More.
I still want to get the 'best of Bjork' CD, as well as the 'best of Catatonia' one. First, i have to get out of the house.

2003-01-11T01:39:00.000-08:00

Please write identity here:

just wondered today after thinking about some people I've seen in the scene. They call themselves punk, indie, straightedge(rarer and rarer) and all that. How do they know? Is it like the supposed thing where one day a guy wakes up and realizes he's gay( which seems to be more of a psychological defense, according to a couple of ex- homosexuals I've spoken to)?
So is the scenario like some guy gets out of bed and realizes he's a skinhead, because he's wearing a thick padded jacket and his jeans are way tight? He gets up and discovers his hair is all gone and he wears boots? Then it all hits him in a split second, "I'm a skinhead". after which he does the thing from the crying game where he stands in the shower, cowering and sobbing in a corner after coming out....
why are our identities so important to us? Why do we have to add that last bit,"I'm sXe" or "pro-vegan punk", or "ah beng and proud of it"?
go make your own. If you really were punk and unique, you wouldn't want to dress like anyone else would you? If you are so special, what's the point of paying so much money to look like the next guy and say that you are against the grain?

"Yeah, I paid $180 for my boots to look like I'm poor working class", "I spent $60 for the bad dye job on my hair."

Sometimes I wonder if crusty punks are richer than the rest of us. And they call us sellouts. Mirza is cool, just being himself I suppose, the friendliest crusty guy I ever met, like Casper the friendly ghost. Alot of the younger ones...well......
I'm logging off, got a gig to play, and will observe more as I go along. will report later.I'm still sick, dunno how to do it.

2003-01-09T06:30:00.000-08:00

I HATE THE CHESS PLAYING UPSTAIRS

sick day yesterday. Slept in where I could but had respiratory problems, chest felt congested, so that sucked, couldn't sleep much. Still can't. Just this afternoon, tried to sleep, and then the neightbour from upstairs started playing chess. I've met him, some old sckool fella who's deaf as a doorknob. He plays chess on the floor and when he thinks, he picks up the pieces and drops them on the floor repeatedly. Rat dratatatatat....rat dratatatatatat....Rat dratatatatat...... Heard he was some old Lieutenant Col from the SAF who fancied himself a strategist. Must be one of those 'jiang jun' wannabes who never made it past COL. Laughing boy just forgot that everytime he does something on a stone floor, the vibrations actually pass through. Had a good mind to turn my amp ALL the way up and shake up his Command Staff College sensibilities! Went upstairs and complained once, but I guess he left his brain in camp when he booked out. Instead, quietly yelled at him in my head, trying to get some sleep. If it happens tonite, I think Eddie Van Halen and my Gibson SG will have something to say, no matter what the time is.

Just went to the doc this afternoon and discovered that I'm athsmatic. My dad freaked out and went on and on and on...I've learned he does that when he is under stress, and so kept quiet all the way home. Just letting him wear himself out."No more gigs for you..." and all that. I quietly remarked that I know guys with chronic athsma who still are violent as onstage. Still, he was not convinced. He needs to see it to believe it.

Anyways, I am fairly confident my gig days are far from over, because if God wanted me off, he would explain it to me first, and wouldn't have told me so many things about stuff that I haven't done yet. I think my dad was just letting off steam.

Still, the realization of my athsma makes me wonder if I had gone on without knowing, would I have collapsed?

2003-01-07T08:01:00.000-08:00

THE DEFINATION OF MATURITY:Wake up and smell the coffee

In addition to what I said earlier, I am definitely sick. My flu is pretty bad now, and all I feel like doing is curling up with a bunch of my new VCDs(2 out of 9 movies are not watchable, except one of which i may be only able to watch on a proper VCD player), a cold bottle of Bundabergs' ginger beer. My head is stuffed right now and my mucus runs almost as thin as water, which is a sign that I'm dehydrating fast. I have a dry throat, which I will remedy soon as I finish this, then I will sleep as much as I can, hang the consequences, I may not even be able to go to school, so too bad.

I forgot, Yen paid for(and I want to pay her back) a long-sleeved T-shirt that I have always wanted.

Since about 1994 or thereabouts I have wanted a long-sleeved t-shirt that would have wide red-and-black bands, a striped one, like the British Dennis the Menace!
I caught sight of a similar one in Petaling St, and on enquiries, the lady had the exact one I wanted! She quoted me for RM45, which I eventually brought down to RM20(slightly under S$10), SWEET!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Considering all that we have had to do over the last few days, I suppose I am not surprised that I am falling sick, only wondering why it din happen earlier.
Had a thought today about self-esteem.
Especially with regards to how much it is our motivation towards whatever we do. A band I know are rehearsing about 3 x a week to get one gig right. I dun think that's dedication, but possibly obsession. What could motivate it? Nothing else in life to be proud of? Competetiveness?
How many people do I know that also do that sort of thing? Drive themselves into utter exhaustion because of a little insecurity? How many others are brave enough to admit to it?
Then it got me thinking about someone I saw once, whom I dun really like. Acting the total obnoxious rockstar onstage, and being really arrogant, damaging(someone else') gear and not liking to be told that it was not to be done again. It left a worse state in my already bad impression of him, hard not to see past it. He thought he was haviong a 'rock n' roll' moment, that he was the greatest. Actually, his voice was pretty bad because he was slightly drunk. I guess everyone else was too polite to tell him.
So what didn't I like about him?
I know of his lack of facing up to responsibility, that whenever he was told something he didn't like to hear, he would say we were being totally beourgoise and trying to tell him what to do. Totally run away from it all...pretending it didn't exist.
Also reminded me of something else, a defination of something I realized awhile ago;maturity.

How does one separate the child from an adult in that area?

The child ONLY knows how to take. The adult DOES know how to give. that also is connected with responsibility. Not liking to be told what to do is part of it.
Anarchy is not a defination of rebellion, of freedom from the bondage of society, but simply not wanting to face up to reality.

I'm pooped. I'm mashed. I'm knackered, tired, sick. I want sleep.
don't call me tomorrow morning.

2003-01-07T02:24:00.000-08:00

I just got back yesterday, and it was interesting. tiring, but interesting.
The 2 surreal gigs went well, I thought, we were quite violent, but I can't help but feel that malaysia isn't ready for indie/emo yet. Still alot of the sideways cap nu-metal influence that permeates the scene. yen and me were at a skateshop on sun afternoon and it was all nu metal over the PA in the malls. All the posters are Limp Bizkit and Linkin Park. Guys like us really are underground there, and I suppose I understand if Keng should feel he is fighting an uphill battle.

The VCD smuggler, back in action after so long. 9 movies, almost ALL of which I have never seen before, so that'll be good. Shall watch something tonite and then save some for yen's place. another excuse to hog the TV set from blinky big eyes acting cute, better known as, the 'centre of gravity'(the world revolves around me).

Mil din get to eat his beef noodles, yes. I think shouldn't have wasted his stomach on the ramli's, after all, they are EVERYWHERE, but there is only ONE petaling ST beef noodles. Ji joined me and yen for awhile, but am sad that I din get to spend much time with her as I would have liked. I had a total of 4 bowls this trip, which was worth every cubic inch of stomach space.
Ji says that she saw someone filming a porn movie in KL, and I would have cracked my guts if I'd have seen what she saw; a guy on the street with a lighting thing, then someone inside a seedy hotel, stuck his topless torso out the window and shouted to him to raise the lamp higher!

Good thing we stayed a day longer, Nathan's fried fish is still calling out to me. But I was SOOooooooosss shack yesterday, and I am defintely coming down with something, some flu.
I saw my pedal, the tremollo that I wanted, but I din have any cash left! RM190 which is about S$90!!!!ist hand!!!! I am going back in feb, so I will collect then. I think I'll ask Keng to buy it for me.I forget the name of the shop, sounds like "Wot f**k" or something like that.Glenn will have to correct me.Tiny little shop that looks like a chinese mediciine shop on the outside, but has genuine Les Pauls on the inside.
Kl is such a strange place!!!

2002-12-31T22:48:00.000-08:00

there's been so much to do, and so much to see.
My birthday is tomorrow, and I am not sure I care, but then, I suppose I should, your birthday only comes around once a year.
The WHC guys are still in my place, and that's ok. But somebody leaked it to everyone and all motherfathersons' are calling me to hook up with the guys. Not ok!!!!
Just had lunch with family and Yen, and it was nice; exhorbitant priced food which I am glad I only eat once a year...
Last nite was alot more fun, and I in some ways was glad to be there to see just old friends without giving a crap about anything. I guess that was much needed. No politics and not too much booze.I saw a few unfamiliar faces, and as expected, a few self-consciously arty-farty types there, but then they seem so much a part of life that I suppose it wouldn't be fun without them.
I only wish there was beer. I am so mush a beer type person that I prefer it to regular vodka and martinis and stuff like that. Maybe because I think it easier to drink than hard liquor. Maybe it's because I have no intention of drinking myself into oblivion and instead, to face my problems head-on instead of running away from them like so many I know of. Does that make me braver? Does that make me stronger?I dunno.I dun think so.
So many kids on the streets yesterday, on orchard just lazing around, dressed tothe nines and in party mode, ready for a night of self-conscious irresponsibility. Another year has just gone by.
So what?
I should have enough money now to pay off my debts soon. I owe still for my amp, but as soon as I get paid back(and it'll be just enough), I'm in the clear. Than I can afford my tremollo pedal, as well as the recording sessions.
back in the studio again with the PS boys. feels nice except that the studio was a little warm and now we nave to figure out how to pay for the fees. will figure something out...

2002-12-25T20:21:00.000-08:00

it's been a few days, but I suupose that's normal for some ppl, and christmas season was pretty busy this year. Din get to hang out with the pple I was hoping to, because of family commeitments, but it wasn't so bad. Hadn't had my family complete in awhile so it was nice. Yen was with me and everyone was laughing together and everything so that was good.
christmas eve was a high society party at someone's house.Yen couldn't be there, family only. I never knew just HOW high society it was till last night when my dad identified them for me. Alot of owners of BIG companies and all that. Nice to see how God moved in their midst last year(most of them celebrated their first X'mas these last few days. I think my dad's friend was trying to hook me up with our hosts' daughter; he was all "Ah, Jon, have you met so-and-so? She's studying in " " " "," turns to her, " and he's doing etc etc..." stays there for 30 secs while strained polite conversation is made, then says "I'll leave you two alone" turns around and heads for the buffet table.....AIYA! anyway, she seemed nice and all, but I think in many ways, she was being polite. no matter. I was more interested in trying to get reception on my phone. for some reason, that house had really bad reception, so I just shut my phone off.
Everyone else around the table was my age and had some sort of job with their own office, made me see what I could have done if my results were better in school. But then, I also had the realization that EVEN IF that were so, my personality will be the kind that hates a job that requires a tie and to meet people. Working with the guys now makes me meet ppl, but at least, shorts and my converse are the go!
post christmas blues, but then it was a very party-oriented christmas for me. Din really like it, but there were some nice spots. And the seafood thing at the lunch party yesterday rocked!!!!!!!!!
turkey overload!

2002-12-22T06:56:00.000-08:00

just got on a little while ago. How the heck am I going to afford anything for anyone? I'm too broke!!
It's a case of me having to learn to trust God, and know that it wasn't a case of reckless spending. I haven't felt reckless in that area in awhile.
Am waiting for the weekend, and the practices for the coming weekend. so many things to look out for and do, and then the weekend. Straight after that, next week we be in M'sia! That's gotta be fun. although I am slightly traumatised about the kind of gear we will get at the gigs, particularly the second show. How scary is that gonna be? I remember the kelab dangdut the last time around when PS went up, and how crappy that went, not to mention that no-one seems to know how to handle gear up there! I suppose it's not their fault because the ones who sell stuff there are running rackets most of the time, who has money to buy and learn?

Strikes another thought. Daniel and David were with me at Funan/City Hall area when it rained out, and we were stuck there. Somehow we were on the topic of equipment, and I said I count myself lucky that the amp I have sitting in my room is a 200-watt, 2x12, all-tube combo! It's the kind of thing touring dreams are made of because it's smaller than a head and cab(or Marshall stack to you who have no idea what I'm talking about), and yet twice the power of one of those! Yet small enough to fit into a car trunk! It doesn't get better than that. Even within SE and Surreal we have been blessed with such great gear, courtesy of ZEAL. I remembered that he's selling off most of his old guitars, good stuff that Davis from Peninsular would weep about, and a certain businessman upstair would vehemently insist are made in Indonesia and knock them off at a cheap price!
And then I though about what Nathan said, about him noticing that locals (across the board) are stuck with a deep sense of materialism which scares me!
It seems prevalent within ourselves. I have to check myself there. My stuff is all workhorse, no furniture lying around. I suppose that's the criteria for now. I am fairly content not to buy anything else, no more guitars and amps.
But then, I want a Proco Rat. I also want a Tremollo.
Does that amount to materialism?

2002-12-20T11:00:00.000-08:00

"Young ppl nowadays...".
Isn't it funny how the young are often taken advantage of by the old or elderly, but somehow, it's never mentioned? Why is it that old ppl are often the rudest ones on the block, but younger ppl get blamed for it?
I saw old men(once with Dex, once on my own) run onto buses, tap their EZ link cards, run straight to the back before the bus has even begun moving, and tap their cards again straightaway, before taking a seat. And yet we are accused of dishonesty.Have you ever seen the elderly lady 'chong' past you just as you are about to exit the train? Is it so she can get a seat and then put it on her resume that she always gets on first? WE'RE considered rude and inconsiderate. we get stares from old when we try and they mutter "young ppl nowadays...". Most of these ppl(supposedly) lived through the 2nd world war, although that generation is dying out now, so technically, when you meet the middle-aged(or about 50- thereabouts) man who talks about life during the war, please try not to laugh.
The ones who really did survive, I DO respect them. the ones who came after require alot of love and are an excercise in patience.
The common favorite I get from elderly men when they want guys in my age group to move gear, are "ahh....you young men strong..." (translated means," I am going to pretend that I am weaker than I actually am, so that you get to do all the work"). I may be chastised and rebuked for my attitude, but theirs are the little while lies down into the dark side.
When you hear that "Ah, young men, very strong..." you know you're screwed! Is that the sound of a guilty conscience, or true re-assurance they have in the abilities of our biceps and patience? Glad my own dad is straight up."You do that, can?" no excuses, etc...I can appreciate honesty. I can't appreciate patronizing statements reassuring me of my own physical capabilities.

2002-12-19T21:49:00.000-08:00

just got out of spending an hour-straight with God and that felt really good!
actually wrote a song in the process, may do it for the festival, see how. all things considered when we pray for more ppl to come, when I did anyways, something struck me.
I actually remembered how many ppl actually resisted us putting out the publicity for the festival at their churches or youth groups, and it suddenly hit me that, "If ppl are resisting us, how do we get publicity out, how do they come if they don't even know?"
THEN, I remembered the bible saying something along the lines of "Behold, I am the Lord, Your God, Is there anything to hard for me?" I immedialtely went into a state of "OK, I suppose I have to trust You, I don't have to know how You do it, only that You will."
Somehow, it was more calming than anything...
It'll be interesting to see how everything goes, this weekend is the turning point for us in the fest organizing group.

2002-12-19T10:09:00.000-08:00

just been thinking about the day, as all of us do, so what else is new?
LOTR wasn't too bad, pretty much like the book, except for some bits like in the battle for Helm's Deep. Treebeard was NO dissapointment, the Ents rock! As far as the day went, that pretty much went well, even with the SE Band practice today, not too bad, very little to re-do. But what's gonna happen for practice over the next few days? I dunno too...everyone getting so busy. I din think that we'd still be getting ourselves busy over nothing these last few days b4 fest. It's actually not funny!
Screwed up big time when I gave Yen my money for the ticket and asked for change. considering she buys me lime juice and Ginger beer and all that... Sorry girl!
The more I think about the mounting popularity of SE and all the opportunities offered to us, I am more and more wary about somethings. Possible endorsements and all that mean alot of good stuff, free gear and all that, although nothing is confirmed, and to a large extent,I hope not.
Finding out about the commercial worship bands and christian acts in the secular world with big deals and all really worries me more and more. I haven't the slightest trust in most bands claiming to be christian and in the CCM type market, no matter WHO they are! I hear about so many of these guys and start to wonder how many of them still have their relationship still on par. Think; just because everyone else is doing it, doesn't make it ok! Robin Williams said it best in Good Morning Vietnam. Q; "What do you think about the drug problem in Vietnam(during the US-Vietnam war)?" A:" I don't think it's a problem, everybody's got it!"
The only really encouraging news that I heard was about Norma Jean! Scott Penk went to see them in the US, and besides being in a really kickass band, technically and creatively, the feedback is that they STILL pray backstage before shows!! Thank God for that!
Honestly, to find out the most popular worship band around has a quota of songs to record a year scares the crap out of me; what are mainstream churches listening to then? Does that make it alright? and more importantly; CAN IT BE HELPED?
If we continue the way we are, I think we'll be ok. But I hope that unless HE wills it, we will NOT run into anything along these lines. To a large extent, I guess it won't, because we're not that much ear-candy yet. Fat hope for success, you may say, nothing is impossible, say I.
it's fasting day, hope I'll make it. haven't done it in years. my eyelids are getting into screen-saver mode. see you later.

2002-12-18T03:39:00.000-08:00

am in the REAL place as usual. It's funny how toay, my dad and I took my dog to a pet saloon/groomers to get him shaved down because it's getting warmer and it's horrible for pet lovers to keep their long-haired dogs in the local styled weather. Straight after, my dad and me went for our own haircuts(mine long awaited by myself). So three of us have come back to the house with haircuts!
Bix is definitely happier with his shorter hair. you can actually see him walking with a spring in his step and he can actually see better now with his hair out of his eyes, so he' s a little more confident. I suppose he's (temperature) cooler with it, although Yen and me were constantly distracted by his balls dangling out the back as he runs! It's actually funny, and I remember us cracking up when we were watching TV and he ran towards the door when my folks or someone came home.
Cannot wait till early jan onwards. My birthday will be a simple one; I might go for dinner with the family and yen, and then see how. The next day, Surreal and MSC and a whole passel of others will be off to KL to play, and we start early in the morn. Can't wait for that!
I will be reunited with my beloved Petaling St. beef noodles!
Hopefully I will have enough by then to either buy a RAT or a Tremolo pedal. If there's any left over, I'm going for another pair of Converse.
Birthday coming!!!! ARGRGGGGGGHHHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
28 years old, immature in the eyes of corporate types, but probably way happier than they are, like I really cared about them to begin with!!!
will update more later.

2002-12-17T09:16:00.000-08:00

Zeal just got on a while ago, and I actually can't get into the bit where you get all these little comments, but that's ok. I'll figure it out. I'll just get Drey to hook me up somehow. How do you do that anyhow?
Wessa Tong is back in town and it's surprising to see how she's turning out. It's a little like the way I was when I was in NZ,and I guess that's normal. Slow way of making things happen, slow ways of making friends and stuff.
Am still a little pissed about the guy the other day asking me "So how did Plainsunset actually make it(into the) commercial(scene)?"
I wanted to scream!
I actually made conscious effort to keep my voice calm. Nathan actually grinned when this guy said that, I think because he knew that would bug me. It seems that no matter where you go you will always run into things like that. I'll bet you anything that if any of the guys heard it they would freak out themselves.
That's always what pisses me off about the scene, that the sheer selfishness of the kids here makes me think that they will never move on, and that they will think they're the cat's pajamas, and that they are truly the best bands that the nation has to offer. Those who have actually looked out into the scene overseas will see how much we know( as far as musical standards and knowledge go, even more than NZ), but from a technical and professional level, there is no contest. Imagine someone thinking he's the best at what he does. Will he truly listen to anyone else?
Is it a losing battle we're fighting here? How do you motivate these guys to practice and work and REALLY make something else out of themselves and thus help the scene as a whole?

Nice to be able to just switch my mind off for awhile.
wish Star Trek Voyager had lasted more seasons than they actually did, but at least they got home.
When does 7 of 9 come on?

2002-12-16T22:37:00.000-08:00

finally, I'm beginning to figure out how this thing works. Trust me, the technophobe, to be able to get into this when everyone else has one already.
It's one of those days when I need to learn discipline as far as thoughtlife goes.
Think, for some strange reason, on the train to the office, it's like EVERY chick was a cute one. No lusty sexual thoghts, mind you. That's usually not so bad for me, but I have to admit a pretty face does catch my attention. Sorry girl, I am trying not to.
am in the office and will add-on later tonite hopefully.

2002-12-16T03:14:00.000-08:00

adding on to the fact that I'm still learning how to do this sort of thing. A simple one is all I can manage now anyway.

2002-12-16T03:03:00.000-08:00

I have finally taken a dive into the great unknown blog world, and I suppose it's something we could all use in one way or another. How should I make my resolution about what to see here? Music, what I like about it, and what I don't, food for thought, social politics, art occasionally, as and when I get the time to.
Forget about emo styled entries and things like that. You want that, go somewhere else.
but then, I suppose I think of this as a bulletin and like an online 'zine.
kudos to those who understand, and for those that don't, it's ok.

We're simply on a different train of thought.